It’s almost a year since I last scribbled down these streets of WordPress. Since then a lot of things have happened; John Snow died and resurrected, Obama’s daughter finally smoked weed (I always wondered when she would eventually stop being a softie and smoke some pot), William Ruto finally stopped calling Raila’s name in every gathering, Donald Trump is close to being elected to the Iron Throne ( another King Jeffrey huh?) And oh I also shaved my hair, it grew back, I shaved it again, and it grew back again. Or what else was supposed to happen? Isn’t that exactly what hair does, you shave it and grow it back again and repeat the cycle.
Anyway much has happened; I even tried getting back with Atieno my ex-girlfriend. But that was a terrible terrible idea that didn’t work. I also tried practicing the salsa dance, didn’t work…tried karate, still didn’t work. I think I’m cursed. I think I’m Aden Duale. So I guess that explains why I went away for so long. Even Pablo didn’t go into hiding for that long, he just spent like one month and he was back to the streets. You can’t hide from Medellin, Medellin is home, WordPress is home.
But to be honest I had planned to take a sabbatical, a very long sabbatical.
Then my sabbatical was cut short by some gay incident I had the other day. And since everyone is talking about gayism, I thought to myself ; why can’t I do the same? Even president Obama shed tears the other day when he gave a speech about how his arse was almost torn to pieces by a gay mob in Kiambu county the other night.
Everyone’s entitled to their own decisions, choices and preferences…Gays too had that choice, to choose between sex the normal way or the arsehole…and they went for the arsehole, which isn’t bad…everyone has the freedom of choice. And am not saying I hate gays…or wait, I hate gays, I really do. That’s my choice too; I just thought you should know. God knows I love women…a lot. And even though most of the time I shy away from talking to them, I still do love them. I ain’t gay. But I’m allowed to share my opinion about them. After all it’s a free country of course, the land of democracy we call it. Wait, am not in America. It’s only the US of A that’s called the land of democracy…here in my country democracy is a rare thing. Everything is dictated over here; when to wake up, when to go to work, when to sit on the presidents chair, when to dance with the president’s wife…heck they even dictate to us when we should masturbate and when not to. I mean we can’t even beat our d*cks without getting convicted these days! And again don’t start thinking I self juice, no I don’t. But I’d just love to know that I got an option, that it’s not illegal to do so.
Anyway enough with my wanking and Martin Luther’s dream of equal gay rights and stuff…today it ain’t about me. Today it’s about the LGBT, or just the G in LGBT. It’s me against gays. And again please don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying I hate gays, i just love my ass to be free. Free as Nelson Mandela when those niggas got him out of jail. But why, why would South Africans jail Mandela for a crime he didn’t commit. Nelson Mandela wasn’t a thief, he didn’t grab land…he isn’t a William Ruto. But who am I to judge? I’m just another resident of Umoja who doesnt know politics. I know nothing.
Back to what I was saying. Back to gays n gaysm. Back to wearing flip-flops, skinny jeans and walking like you got an itch on your lower buttock…an itch that won’t just go away no matter how hard you scratch it and so you start walking around town with a smelly itchy arse and an equally smelly middle finger. You look like that solid waste that Miguna Miguna was talking about, that’s you. Oops! I think I went too far with that description there. I need to proceed with moderation. Remember I told you this side of the world isnt as democratic as they want you to think. Over here you can get jailed for the simplest of things. The other day our Members of Parliament were debating whether to jail this adolescent kid musician who sat on the president’s chair and sang to the first lady. I think the kid was high on something, but then again which kid is ever sober these days? It’s like they wake up and brush their teeth with alcohol, eat weed cookie for breakfast then use weed smoke for perfume coz we living in this crazy world just as Lucky Dube said, then his fellow countrymen shot him. Honestly what’s wrong with South Africans? They jailed their president, shot their reggae maestro and it’s the only country where the president has enough wives to start a World War 3.
Anyway enough with SA, I’m just a regular resident of Umoja who hasn’t been outside Kenya even for a day. Actually the farthest I’ve been from Umoja is our neighbouring estate, this one where Vybz Kartel has been hiding ever since he was found guilty of trying to assassinate the Pope. This estate of the Rambo Kanambo boys and the I-smoke-weed-I-Don’t-Give-a-Damn mentality. It’s an estate called Kayole, or Oyole, or Ololo. Or as I like to call it, the land of thieves and honey. There’s no single day that I’ve been to that estate and gone back home without getting robbed. It has to be either my watch, my shoes, my wallet (which on most occasions is always filled with toilet paper and a newspaper cutout of the day they killed Escobar). Either way I always lose something in Kayole. I even think I lost my virginity over there. And by losing it I mean losing my virginity the normal way…not via the arse-hole. I still maintain I love my hole so much I wouldn’t subject it to such torture. Imagine how small these holes always are, imagine with me. Then imagine something big forcefully penetrating it, forcefully, coz yeah it has to get in either way right? Then imagine how hard I would scream, then yelp in pain, then start weeping…weep for my dear motherland, weep for my arse-hole, knowing that it’s never going to be the same again.
Okay now stop imagining, just stop. Coz whatever it is you just imagined over there can’t and won’t happen, my A-hole is meant for pooping and pooping alone, and at times for perspiration when the weather becomes too hot but either way my hole isn’t meant for sex.
Now I think this is enough. What was I even thinking talking about gays and their assholes. This is the type of topic people never write about, or at least not if you still haven’t made it in life and you still don’t know who your next boss might just be. Maybe he might happen to be one of these gay brothers whose holes have been drilled more times than the oil wells of Dubai and the moment he shall stumble upon this blog post, alas! Jobless I shall be, again. This time it won’t be for failing to turn up to work for a whole week or getting drunk and smacking that corporate smile off my boss’s face. This time it shall be from airing my own thoughts on gays.
And you do realize after this I won’t peacefully vie for any elective post in the future right? Especially not if I happen to have a gay opponent coz he’ll just flash out this blog post and alas again! The whole world will be down my ass, saying how I am an ungrateful, emotionless, heartless inhuman human being who doesn’t respect gay rights and stuff like that. The US of A might even charge me with being a terrorist. Then I’ll start running around with banners cursing out USA and how they killed John Snow, shouting out ‘Fuck USA’ at the top of my lungs. But then again I don’t have to fuck America, Donald trump will do that for me.