The other day I finally got a job, or rather let me say somebody in the HR finally got to sit and read past the ‘Personal Detail’ of my four page CV and decided to hire me. To me that was the best thing to happen so far this year considering that since the beginning of the year the only positive thing that’s happened to me is that i finally fought off the bedbug invasion in my one room apartment. Those things suck and suck and swallow. I almost thought I was dying coz of the amount of blood I’d wake up to on my bed sheets every morning, wondering what type of vampire had walked into my house overnight. So you can understand why i got so horny after the phone call that i actually had a mild erection.
Now that’s only the best part; it was all fun and horniness, all until the time I was given my office space and realized the workmates I’ll have or something like that. Which is the whole essence of why I stole some of my office time to write down this piece, I hope I’ll write it to the end before my boss walks in here and finds me logged in to other totally unrelated work stuff.
And this is that point where I politely ask you to go back to my previous paragraph and re-read what I wrote, especially that part of “workmates…”.
Straight to my point for today, why do some people talk too much in the office, why? I mean its an office and we’re here all types of people with diverse likes and dislikes. Some of us don’t like petty chit-chat, petty talks and petty laughter. Why do some people talk a lot? It’s an office and we’re here to work. Why can’t you just wait for that time when everyone’s on break so that you can narrate to everyone how you lost your tissue in the loo, how your grandma was arrested or how Moses Kuria showed the middle finger to the magistrate? Why? I mean if you can hold your kidney for that long just so that people can’t hear the splash of your urine in the urinal, surely closing your mouth for that long isn’t torture. Not everyone wants to hear your rants, not everyone wants to see the saliva spill out of your mouth as you laugh at a silly stupid joke, it’s like your words are 80% saliva, for Christ’s sake please just shut up! And nobody, nobody wants to see the piece of sukuma wiki kale stuck between your teeth, we all came here to work!
Okay now am not trying to say people shouldn’t talk, a little chit chat is good, but too much of it and it begins bothering others, it becomes a distraction. Maybe some of you just talk to seek attention but hey, that one-month-old weave you’ve been wearing all month long is attention enough, let us digest that before adding us more of your problems coz judging from that weave, even Jesus can testify that money ain’t the only problem you got young lady, and at the rate that sponsors are being killed country wide you’re too scared to try finding yourself one old fella to cater for your hair trouble. Sorry dears but some of us actually came to the office to work! Not gossip…if we wanted to gossip we’d have stayed home and listened to Maina and Kingang’i all day. But we didn’t, we got bills to pay and that’s why we reported to work, not the circus.
I know if my workmates are reading this, then it’s either I’m probably going to be fired, I’ve been fired already, or they’re now on the office Whatsapp group discussing how annoying I am, how I think I’m holier than thou and they’re already planning on how they’re going to murder me. So if you find a disfigured body wrapped in a polythene bag and dumped somewhere deep inside the Karura forest, then maybe that’s just me, dead…very dead. But hey, maybe my bosses might just read this and give me a huge pay rise haha…who knows.
But why are there these people in offices, these guys that just won’t shut up. It’s like being in the same room with teenage adolescents and having to listen to all their stories and drama all day, some even discussing petty issues like how mama salon did their hair the other weekend and failed to put jelly on their scalp. I think in every job and I guess in this one too, there’s always a lunch break, tea break and stuff like that. Some jobs even have regular porridge breaks in the evening. Why wouldn’t somebody just hold those stories to themselves and narrate them during the breaks, why?
Now if its women who do the gossiping, its fine we’ll understand, it’s understandable…But for a man with two balls and a mustache on his chin to join in such discussions is just sad, so sad. Man needs to be silent, quiet, talks only when necessary and smiles only when necessary. To a man a simple haha is just enough, not hahahaha, that’s bullshit, that’s being bitchy and having what we call ‘umama’ in our neighbourhood dialect. I mean have you ever seen the unsullied laugh, have you? Those niggas stay serious all time coz they’re always at work trying to protect Khaleesi’s ass. Except for that one time when they let the rebelling freed slaves of Meereen kick ass all over the fighting arena, they almost whooped Khaleesis ass you know. But men who gossip are an embarrassment to the male population, everything about them is so feminine. I guess even the way their piss hits the toilet is feminine, even their farts…so feminine. Some even comb their hair backwards and squat when peeing. And just like girls, they seek attention so much as if the sun rises up in their asses and we all got to know about that. Ok that was gross, but why care, am just saying what is true.
And I’d have loved to mention one of them by name but I heard he is from the Abagusii tribe, a Kisii, so I won’t mention his name, coz if there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life is never to mess with mother nature, mother earth n motherfucking Kisiis, those guys have a very bad temper; they get pissed off at virtually everything, they even get pissed off at the sun for rising in the east and not the west. So if I’ll be stupid enough to mention names then I think the nigga will beat me up so bad, he’ll probably even set me on fire, put it off…then set me on fire again.
I know am probably whining n grinning about this issue too much that maybe you’re now beginning to start thinking of me as one of them, so I’ll stop… Or maybe wait, hold on a ‘lil. And did i just say ‘lil instead of little, don’t blame me, blame it on the influence of my workmates…yeah some of them still say ‘possed to be instead of supposed to be, makes me wonder what pain they go through if they were to just add the S and U over there.
Now i think i should stop my rant and get back to work, people are busy here and it’s just me who’s focused on other things, let me log out before I get my ass fired, and this time if it happens that i lose this job then my dad will skin me, he’ll beat me like a bald headed step child. Yeah, he has always been so strict about everything, life, work, marriage, studies and everything. Actually it’s the other day that I realized I might probably be the only child that grew up without watching the ‘Everybody hates Chris’ episodes…to him all time was study time, even during meal times we’d just close our books, place food on top of them, eat, then when we’re done we’d just push aside the plates and reopen our books and get back to reading. I don’t know about you but that was childhood for me, and I also don’t know why he made us study so hard, maybe he wanted us to find the man who killed Tom Mboya, or JF Kennedy. Anyway, I need to log out now, or as my workmates would say it, I need to log out ASAP.
So ladies and gentlemen, friends, celebrities from all over the world, widows, and widowers…let me leave it at this point. Next time you see me on these streets of WordPress, I’ll either have been fired, assassinated by my workmates or given the huge pay rise. Till then, adios!