Last Night She Came Home Drunk.

The last time we talked you were married. You’re still married right huh? Mrs Maina, that’s the name I read on your official documents on the bedside table, just as you slid inside the blanket, the blanket that I lay under, covering my little symbol of manhood. Its little haha, or that’s how you made me believe. But we both know that’s not true, its big, no need to lie about it…probably the biggest object after those that you see on redtube. Oh shit! I didn’t mean to expose your redtube business just like. But then again why be ashamed of it, at least it helps us, both of us. We’re both amateurs, and you blame that on Jack, your husband. If only he could spend less time drowning himself in alcohol and focus more on those Kamasutra hints you display whenever he’s home. Hints like walking across the sitting room half dressed in that see-through dress we bought at Impression Lingerie Shop, Yaya Centre the other day. He never notices you, that’s what you say, that he just sits there all day recapping on all the plans he wants to achieve by 2030, build you that dream house, buy you that dream car…or even travel around the world with you on that holiday vacation he promised you on your wedding anniversary. Probably that’s the last time he ever had good sex with you right, good sex where he cam after just three minutes. I do last longer than that you know. You even call me He-Who-Cums-When-He-Wants haha. Am proud of it, am proud of you too, We Both Cum-When-We-Want. Jack doesn’t know that, fuck Jack, he never appreciates you, never. But I do, beneath all the guilt, I still convince myself that whatever it is that am doing is for a good course right. Or that’s what you made me believe.

That’s what you made me believe on the first day you made me see you eeer,… unchained, untamed, uncaged, unclothed…damn! I know you were expecting me to say naked (shit I just said it) but all in all I still remember. You standing there, your pinky finger on your moist lip, meowing like a pussycat as you laid your hand on my shoulder, gripped my jacket and planted your lips on to mine. I forgot to say ‘your big lips’…yes they’re big, big and round. They almost swallowed my whole mouth as I struggled to kiss you back, my body kept telling me it was wrong. But that was before I reminded myself of the 21 things I’d planned to do before I die and it happened that having an affair with a married woman falls somewhere between number 19 and 21, I’m not sure of the exact number so I’ll have to check with my list. And that’s how I ended up waking up at your apartment. I’ve got to say the breakfast in bed treat was a surprise to me. You cook good you know. But Jack doesn’t know that, he never appreciates your cooking. F*ck Maina, he never appreciates you, never. But I do, beneath all the guilt, I still convince myself that whatever it is that am doing is for a good course right. Or that’s what you made me believe.

Ladies and gentlemen, widows and widowers, allow me to introduce you to Mrs Maina, my cohabiter, my other woman.

Last night you came home drunk, home to my humble abode of a bedsitter. You call my place home haha. Nobody ever does that, the last person that called it home broke up with me after she found out my chat history with you. Your nudes, that’s all she saw…we’re done, that’s all she said. Maybe she felt jealous, maybe. Jealous of your sharp pointed bosom and an equivocally protruding bottom. And so she decided to walk away. “Never call me again!”…that’s all she wrote.

Enough with my ex girlfriend, last night you came home drunk, you don’t drink…you never drink. You’re probably one of the last remaining species of females who commit adultery when sober. Showing up at my doorstep at four in the morning drunk, you got me worried there you know. “Its over…” that’s all you said the you made two staggers towards my open arms and passed out. You got me worried.

You say you read his texts. He has another woman, a girl, not a woman. Jack has a side chic, younger than you, with a bosom more pointed than yours and with this great ass that could drag the moon of its orbit, yeah her buttocks are more provoking that the ones you got. She’s slimmer, or slender than you too…or that’s what you saw from her whatsapp profile picture. Jack has a side chic, “auntie msweet”, that’s how he saved her number on his phone. He’s been cheating on you all this time. Probably he hasn’t even told her about you, or the three stubborn kids that call him daddy and you mummy. They call me uncle too, once or twice we go pick them from school together. They like me more than they like their dad. Funny.














6 thoughts on “Last Night She Came Home Drunk.

  1. Heh si you write beautifully. Damn I wish I could write this well. This is amazing, its beautiful. A really awesome read. Silly Maina, that wife does sound like a gem hehe. Good post!

    Liked by 1 person

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