Mama I Made It

Last week I got a surprise invite to Java House by this longtime friend of mine who happened to be back in the country from overseas. I don’t know which country specifically and neither do I know the job he does there but I heard rumors that he happens to work in some bank over there.  Rich guy, huh? Now before you start creating a sophisticated image of some rich banker in your mind, just remember that those who sweep floors in banks also ‘work in banks’.  So maybe he too belongs to that group that sweeps the floors over there but then again that’s none of my business. And so to Java I went, the one in Westlands Square, Ring Road Parklands to be specific…my first time in that place. I had never been to that place and all my relatives who had a reputation of knowing all places in Nairobi too did not have any clue on wherever it was so after a few insights with Google maps and a few friends, I finally got the directions and made it to the ‘promised coffee house’.

I found him seated with some two ladies around him, who I quickly guessed to be the usual gold digger type that had smelled cash on him and were now creating some dry jokes and shoving them down his throat just so that he could laugh, take them out to some noisy nightclub and milk the cash out of him. I have been through that experience one time when I won a multibet on Sportpesa and trust me; I could smell a gold digger from as far as ten miles away.

“Hey man! Meet Janet, my fiancée…”

Began the introductions.  Janet!  Who’s Janet? Pal this is not Jane, these are two cheap golddig…

“…and this is Alicia, Janet’s sister.”

Now upto that point my mouth just stayed wide open in disbelief as I swallowed some bitter saliva.

“I’m Marvin, but all my friends call me Marvin…” That’s the best that could come out of my mouth as I stretched out my hand to greet the ‘gold diggers’.

Minutes later after the mistaken identity, my friend leaves me with Alicia and says he’s taking his fiancée, the alleged gold digger, to I-don’t-know-where. But i know it’s a lie, he has probably realized that after all these years I’m still not good at approaching girls so he’s just pretending to be taking his girlfriend elsewhere yet in real since he’s just giving me a lifeline here, leaving me alone with his fiancee’s sister. Coz how do I explain a situation where he went abroad, left me single…came back, still single. No girlfriend there in between. And I also can’t defend myself that am gay either, coz even gays don’t spend five years of their lifetime single and single…I hope am right on that one my gay brothers.

Even two minutes before they’re gone and I enter panic mode. I find myself between Narok and a hard place, no pun intended. I think am going dumb, deaf and dumb. I cant find any word to say to Alicia who is all smiles waiting for me to talk to her. I’m having one of those deaf and dumb episodes caused by sexual depravation, or dryspell depending on what side of town you’re from.

For Christ’s sake will you stop smiling at me! This girl just won’t stop smiling, yes she has beautiful teeth, so white that you can be tempted to pluck them out and eat them for breakfast, lunch and super. Ok that was gross, too gross. Can’t imagine eating teeth for breakfast. But hey that’s me trying to construct something romantic out of her teeth, something like a vibe that I can use to start a conversation with her. But definitely it won’t work, it’ll just drive her away and make her think of me as a starved zombie out to feed on her teeth. And that explains why I’ve maintained being single all this long. Am poor at this dating thing, or hooking up…or just simply talking to girls, wolefa. The last female I held a conversation with that lasted more than 10 minutes was my mum, and all that time of the conversation she kept asking me why I don’t have any girlfriends. She’s starting to get worried. Her son is gay, maybe even worse. Her son is a self-juicer. She’s beginning to regret why she didn’t listen to Fr Andrew’s advice and send me to the convent, I mean the male version of the convent, is it the monastery or something close to that? I make her think of her childhood days, back when she was still the hottest girl in the greater Gem District. Oh i almost wrote ‘hottest chic’, but that phrase wasn’t born by then. She says they weren’t referred to as chics, to her that’s disrespect, being compared to a young one of a hen. She insists on the term beautiful lady, and it’s a song she has sang to me ever since she noticed a small beard-like structure developing on my chin. It’s a symbol of adulthood, and to her that means am man enough, at least man enough to approach other girls outside the house, not just our househelp who mysteriously happens to have fallen head over heels for me. Maybe its coz i let her dress in mum’s clothes and take photos of herself…or maybe its coz the other night i caught her imitating how mum talks whenever she’s mad at her and i promised not to tell.

Anyway enough with mum and the househelp, back to my present nightmare, or daymare if that word exists. It’s almost thirty minutes since my friend left and I’ve just said two words to this beautiful girl with beautiful teeth;

“Uko whatsapp?”.

Two words, or maybe they’re three words, that is if you include the question mark after that.

C’mon, you can do better than this…Should I ask her if she likes sex, go straight to the point huh? But that’ll also be a stupid idea, maybe not. Nobody doesn’t like sex, even the minions love it. I take a deep breath..1,2…3. Better safe than stupid, I remind myself.

I decide to go with the obvious silence breaker, straight to the intros, although i’d been introduced before.

“My name’s Marvin, and you are…”

“Alicia” comes the response.

See! Am making progress here. Her name’s Alicia, although am not sure if its Alicia with a C or Alishia with a SH, like SH for Sheep? I think she’s lying to me. Is her name really Alicia, or is it something terrible like Guandalina…okay that’s a million ways to die I know.

Miraculously the introduction thing works, slowly we begin talking. Stories start flowing from nowhere. She likes Adele, her favorite meal is pizza (really! Is pizza even a meal?), she hates skinny jeans, hell yeah I hate them too. Everyone wears them, but nobody really looks good in them. And Alicia’s a Christian too, which is good coz some of us are not Christians, we just believe in anything evil…anything demonic like let’s say Donald Trump, or Moses Kuria. Anyway the conversation is flowing smoothly so i don’t want to ruin it.

Then i realize our drinks are running out and the only cash am left with is my bus fare back home, plus the remainder of my house rent that i was to finish paying today. I have to improvise, quickly. I ask her whether it would be fine if we got up for a small walk down the streets as we wait for my friend to be back with her gold-digger girlfriend who also happens to be his fiancée. She agrees. And remember i told u I’d never been to this
place, so i know nothing about this area…but a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. I walk over to her seat, pull it over so she can get up then I let her walk slightly ahead of me as I fold my hands into my pockets and enjoy the view that am seeing. Slender legs, thick hips tucked into an equally slim dress that reveals just as much as the eye would want to see, brown thighs…very very brown thighs which lead all the way up to some incredibly dense butt, just sexy enough to make my hormones start bubbling and start thinking of how am going to slip in between the sheets with her.

Then we leave the place and start walking along the footpath. If only my mum would be here to witness this rare phenomenon. This rare event where am walking hand in hand with the beautiful Guandalina, ooh her name’s Alicia. I’m already seeing myself walking down the aisle with Alicia, the future mother of our seven kids, saying those funny wedding vows, to live and to cherish, to love and to cuddle blahblah and all those other silly vows that nobody will remember after the wedding anyway.

Then am suddenly interrupted from my fantasy wedding by the vibration on my phone. It’s my friend calling, says he’s stuck in traffic and since he doesn’t want to keep us waiting, he suggests I just take Alicia home, without specifying who’s home, mine or Alicia’s. Again I just know that’s an excuse he’s making up, he ain’t even stuck traffic. The guy just wants me to get laid. Maybe he’s also realized that am experiencing a very long dry spell at the moment and he just wants me to get laid. Funnily enough Alicia’s fine with that, she doesn’t mind as long as its not her place that we’re going to. She says she isn’t comfortable with taking guys to her place on the first date. Wait, did she say date!? Was this a date? Anyway she doesn’t want me to go to her place, isokey…if Mohammed won’t go to the mountain, take the mountain to Mohammed.

“Taxi!”…

An hour later and we are seated on the back seat of a taxi going to my place with a girl i just met. God has finally answered my prayers, Christmas has come early.

I’ll finally have someone to sing the Nerea song to, especially that part of sahani yake…pleading with her to not do away with our pregnancy. And depending on how good the night goes, I might just have the best news ever to give mum. Damn it! Me and my mum again, does she just have to be everywhere in my newfound love life. But then again i think she should be, coz honestly where does one find a mum who’ll be so proud to hear her son finally banged a strange girl? I think am the luckiest child ever in the history of children. Anyway, enough with mum again, Nyargem as she calls herself.

Soon enough and we’re at my place, or my apartment as i like to call it.

Mikasa e sukasa…I murmur the words as i usher her into my humble abode of a bedsitter. She begins struggling to get her shoes off and just coz i want to be welcoming, I tell her ‘ingia tu na viatu.’ If only she knew how much it costs to clean my carpet, or rather the carpet that i inherited from the previous occupant of the room. Shamelessly, she walks in, shoes on. Thank goodness the taxi brought us all the way to the gate, otherwise it would have taken me a whole week mopping the floor to get rid of the elNino mud that she’d have brought in with her shoes.

She gets in just as I hold her waist to usher her in…spin her around and pull her into my arms to kiss her watery lips. She grins, I bite her bottom lip and gently grab her butt as I close the door behind us.

Brace yourself Alicia, it’s going to be a long night, so so long…mama I made it!!