Escaping The Friendzone.

Am tired of living in the friendzone. I know am better than this place, i can surely do better.

Am tired of being introduced as “My guy”, or “Mavo ule msee”…

Am tired of sending you a long romantic goodnight message and all I get for a reply is ‘K, gdnyt…’

Am tired of being woken up by you at my doorstep at 3:00am in the morning, tears running down your face and being told how Brian broke your heart, again. But that’s what all Brians do, break hearts. And that’s what Brian has always done, break your heart and send you to me, your love doctor, to listen to you as you cry it all out on me.
Am tired of listening to you telling me how good the sex was last night, or how bad it was with your ex boyfriend, or how u kissed your gff and liked how it tasted, probably you’re even thinking of being a lesbian or something.
The friend zone is a cold zone you know, so cold that by the time u eventually escape from it you shall have depleted all your resources trying to win her heart. The subsequent relationship between you two thereafter is bound to fail terribly coz you wont even be interested In her anymore. You’ll just see her as your big sister, at times you’ll even see her as your late grandma coz once in a while she’ll still introduce you as ‘boy wangu‘ or ‘my guy‘. nkt.

And so I’m back to where we all  began, am tired of the friendzone.

Obama friendzone
And so i decide that this shit had to end today…today am going to fungua my roho, pour out my feelings to her and tell her how i feel about her. She’s beautiful, so so beautiful i wonder why Brian always breaks her heart. And this time I’ll do it right, not via a text message like i did last time.

And so i stop by this shop I know of, this flower shop where they sell beautiful flowers. I buy one, the red one (I’ve read somewhere that red’s romantic). The shop owner smiles as he hands the flowers to me, that smile that says ‘she’s gonna love u tonight’…I smile back and tell him to keep change, this time I’m gonna do it right. Goodbye Teamsingle.

In ten minutes time am at her doorstep, flowers in one hand, the other hand held against my chest, am counting my heartbeats…”Hold still”, I tell myself…one two three Hail Marys and I think am ready. I knock on the door, no response. Did i do it right? Did i knock on it too loud? Should i knock again..? Yes I’ll knock again…but just as i lift my hand to knock, i hear footsteps in the room. She’s coming. “Don’t sweat Marvin, don’t sweat! It’ll show weakness, keep calm.”

The footsteps are closing in, the door clicks…i smile a nervous smile. I lift the flowers to my chest, i know she’s going to love them coz her favorite colors red. yeah, she loves cats, and doves, and she likes listening to country music. Her favorite food’s rice n she likes it served with stew…though at times she opts for peas. And she loves ice cream so much, and her lucky number’s 7…

I can go on and on writing on her likes and dislikes but am out of time. The latch is opened. She’s opening the door, don’t sweat Marvinkeep calm. The nervous smile comes again. Will she like me? I decide to take out my phone and pretend that am texting someone so that i wont have to look at her face when she opens the door.

Tick tock, the doors opened. I can feel her standing there in front of me, waiting for me to say a word. I’ll just go straight to the point…

“I… love you…”

The words come out quick, then I lift my head and look up, that nervous smile is still on my timid face. I need to see her face as she tell me she loves me too, that she has loved always loved me ever since we met at my buddy’s birthday party.

And so i look up, expecting to see her smiling back at me…but that isnt closest to what happens.

My face changes from the smile-face to a WTF-face, yeah…What the fuck!!!!
Its Brian, Brian the heart-breaker!

He’s standing right there at the door with an unbuttoned shirt, and a towel wrapped round his waist. WTF again and again! Sweat starts to trickle down my face, I cant breath,, am not breathing..I think i need water! Help, i think am gonna faint…call 911.

I..I……I am g…ggg….goi….call 911!!!!


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