Yesternight I called my girlfriend, I asked her to sing me any romantic song and she sang me the national anthem. Sweet Jesus! The national anthem of all songs, so romantic, huh! And then I dumped her. Yes I dumped Atieno, the only girl who’d kiss me with one eye open and I’d never see it as weird, although at times I’d think her ancestors practiced witchcraft coz honestly how do you kiss with one eye open? Anyway I still dumped her, the girl who I played with since childhood, way back when I still walked naked, wearing nothing but my dad’s big oversize t-shirts that would cover me from the shoulder to my knees, and wear completely nothing under the t-shirt; coz even what lay under between my legs was too tiny to be of any interest to Atieno, so tiny that I only used it to pee. Atieno who would cry on my shoulder and willingly show me the whip-marks on her buttocks whenever her mama caned her…Atieno who did this, Atieno who did that blah blah blah. And I still dumped her.
I can go on and on saying the stuff we did together with Atieno, but that would also be boring, as boring as listening to her sing the national anthem yet she had a variety of songs to choose from; Westlife, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Lupita Nyongo..oops! I almost thought Lupita is a musician coz since her breakthrough in the Oscars, I swear there’s no job that she hasn’t tried doing, from acting to modeling, sales and marketing, cooking in international competitions and most recently she decided to sell herself when she travelled to Kenya; or how do you call a person who charges her fellow countrymen 100 dollars just to see her? And yet maybe most of them saw her swim naked as a little girl in River Yala, or River Siaya, or River Wherever-She-Comes-From.
I guess next she’s about to start working with GnLD too. Or she might even be thinking of taking over as the next Madonna, Gladys Sholei or even Larry Madowo.
Anyway lets go back to Atieno and her national anthem, I guess I should have seen that coming (I mean the part where she sang the anthem) coz the previous night she’d chosen to sing me Pitbull’s song haha. And the night before that, she decided on a song by Jaguar, I don’t know the name of the song…I just know it’s this one where Jaguar just shouts the word “Kioo!! Kioo!!” over and over for three minutes then they call it a song, a hit song…very romantic of her, huh! Thats when I began to wonder what might have happened to my once sweet Atieno, she who would sing me sweet songs every night before we fell asleep. She could even sing me those silly Rambo-Kanambo songs from Jamaica and I’d gladly listen coz she always had a way of making them sound romantic.
Then it hit me, Atieno’s cheating on me with a military guy! Yes, her neighbor happens to work with the Defense Forces! Where else could she even get the idea of singing the national anthem if the neighbor hadn’t influenced her in one way or the other? Atieno’s cheating on me with that military guy! I even remember at one point she confessed to me that she had a crush on the guy during her college days. I guess they both sing the anthem before his tool stands at attention and penetrates into the hidden territories between Atieno’s legs. Now am even praying for the Boko Haram, AlShabaab, AlQaeda, AlAddin and all the terrorists groups to blow up this man’s entire village, shoot dead all his friends and relatives…and any of the survivors be shot again! How? How? How? Why Atieno, why??
And just to be clear on this, am NOT saying that I hate the national anthem, even God knows I love that sh*t…especially that part where it says ‘ be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth’…sorry! I forgot that’s a verse from the Bible, not the national anthem. Maybe it’s just my obsession with mathematics, multiplication and reproduction…maybe. The national anthem is some boring stuff, too boring to even have such interesting messages of procreation…It’s a boring song, made of equally boring lines on how justice should be our shield and defender, of how plenty should be found within our borders yet we still import everything from China, everything including spoons, plenty of spoons! So to be frank, I hate the anthem, but I love the song…or is it the other way round…. I don’t know. Ok, I hate everything about it, everything including that part where we are told that the Swahili translation of “Oh God of all creation” is “Eeh Mungu nguvu yetu”. I hate it. But am patriotic, patriotic enough to support a president who bans the sale of alcohol yet he himself looks like he uses alcoholic products plus many more hard ones (am not sure of this; it’s not yet proven in a court of law, feel free to correct me if am wrong).
Now I think am taking this hatred of the national anthem personal, or should I say am taking it politically…let me stop ASAP before word reaches our white house and am charged for treason; and by the way if am charged for treason please organize a demonstration for me, those ones with a harsh tag like #FreeMarvinsRoom!, #FreeTheWorldBoss, #FreeTheVoiceOfThePeople haha…okay I know I over-fanticized on that bit of WorldBoss and VoiceOfThePeople…am not even the voice of our village, but a man must dream of great things like being the voice of the people in such times of political persecution. A man must dream of being the Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego of modern times…even if they throw me into the burning bush…sorry once more, I meant to say even if they throw me into the burning flames, you’ll be there to pull me out after I’ve roasted to death coz am pretty sure there’s no way I can get out of that fire alive the way those three ninjas I’ve mentioned above did. Anyway I hope you’ll still hold a demo for me before they burn me.
Phew! At least that attack on our anthem made me forget Atieno for a moment…but now that it’s over, I find myself thinking of her again. And now my heart is breaking, and ooooh my head is on fire, but my legs are fine, after all they are mine…and I feel like am Adele singing her ‘Never-mind-I’ll-find-someone-like-you’ song…only that this time I wont find someone like Atieno, the only lady I’ve known who would walk with me to an expensive restaurant, read all items on the menu, then she’d smile and order the cheapest one coz she knew that’s what I could afford there. It didn’t mater to her whether the cheapest item was mushroom soup (whoever invented that soup must have been mad or something)…or whether it was just a 300ml bottle of Dasani mineral water, she just ordered it.
Atieno who made me feel like I was the luckiest man in the history of men, so lucky that even Adam could have been jealous. All those fruits and animals in the Garden of Eden and all Eve saw was an apple, really!? How do you feed a man on apples? Atieno would have slaughtered two goats and one fat cow for me instead of that cursed apple and as the meat boiled, she’d have run down to River Eden (if it existed) and caught five big tilapia fish or omena for dessert. And if that stupid snake would have come along to tempt her, she’d have fried it too with kachumbari on top!
That’s just how good Atieno was. And that’s just how hard it is to accept that I dumped her because of her taste of love songs. But as they say, I’ll only need the light when its burning low, I’ll only hate the road when am missing home, and I’ll only miss the sun when it starts to snow, which literally means I’ll never miss her coz it never snows on this side of our world. It can rain cats and dogs, cows and pigs, pitbulls and jaguars….but it never snows.
Till then, let me continue drowning myself with this last bottle of alcohol that I have. I’ve run out of stock and since the sale of alcohol has been banned in my beloved country by our beloved president, I’ll just sit by myself, talking to the moon.
Have a patriotic day, wont you!