Its 12 noon and am still trying to find something stupid to do. Suddenly the phone rings! Its Joseh-wa-Carwash…and before you start wondering why Joseh might be calling at this time, that’s just how I’ve saved my step-girlfriend’s number. Yeah I hear they’re called side chics but I prefer step-girlfriend, at least it sounds more humane. And so my step girlfriend’s calling, and I’ve got 10 seconds to decide whether to answer or not because with my current financial situation, not all phone calls are welcome.
“Halo pumpkin…kunitupa nayo!” she begins as soon as I pick up the call. Now seriously, I wonder whatever happened to Marvine being Marvine, and not some fruit, pumpkin! At least she’d have chosen a better fruit like let’s say apple, or passion fruit, or strawberry…but pumpkin of all fruits, really! And again who still uses the phrase ‘nayo!’ in a conversation? It’s 2015 halooow!
Ok, maybe under normal circumstances the pumpkin name wouldn’t be an issue here; honestly I’d feel flattered whenever she called me pumpkin. I wouldn’t care, she can call me by whichever name of whichever fruit she likes, even Guava can do! But not today, not this time when I can’t even afford to buy a real-life pumpkin.
And just as am still lamenting on the pumpkin stuff, she drops the bombshell; she’s coming over! Really Lord, really! I subconsciously find myself reciting the Biblical “Eloi…Eloi” words of Jesus coz honestly I feel forsaken too. Did she just have to think of coming over to my place at this moment, at my weakest hour when money has denied me not three times like Simon Peter did, but over seventy seven times seven times (even me I still don’t know what that means). And before I even create some excuse about how am not at home, she hangs up, promising to be at my place in thirty minutes time. I immediately go into panic mode…if only she knew the situation I am in at the moment, I say to myself silently. Eloi Eloi…
If only she knew I’m in that situation where I am completely broke, living on madeni slash borrowed cash slash soft loans slash whatever you may call it. That situation where my playlist is strictly full of uplifting gospel music coz I want to be as close to my creator as possible, and I am into some serious fasting and prayer! Now don’t start thinking am that much of a Christian who follows the fasting calendar et cetera, am talking about the situation-based fasting, the “Hali-ya-Maisha” fasting, fasting because my financial status naturally forces me to sleep hungry. That position where I owe money to almost every businessperson in my neighborhood from mama mboga, mtu wa maji, duka ya maasai…all through to M-Shwari.
I begin tidying up my room; the dirty clothes are quickly stuffed into a plastic bag, I take out my ‘Alehandro bedsheet’ that I usually preserve for such occasions. Then I remember I hadn’t even brushed my teeth, so I find my toothbrush and that’s when it hits me…no toothpaste. The last supply ended about a week ago and I haven’t bought another one coz I have no money for luxuries at the moment. The little I get is strictly for meals, and mostly its just one meal that’s taken at 6:00 in the evening which serves as both late lunch and early super combined.
I’ve got about ten minutes and she’ll be at my doorstep so I quickly dash to ‘duka ya maasai’ and with that innocent face that I always have whenever I need to take something from his shop on credit, I ask for four eggs, a packet of Dawaat Rice, a bottle fanta kubwa soda and since the guy sells groceries too, I pick 4 round tomatoes, 3 onions, mboga ya twenty and this other thing called dania. Now don’t ask me how or what I was going to cook out of all those things, even me I don’t know.
Just as am about to go back home, I realize I’m forgetting one crucial item so I rush back to the shop and at the same time this beautiful lady comes to buy something too. Now am stranded on how to tell the shopkeeper what I need without the lady overhearing? I smile at her and begin mumbling some words to the shopkeeper who just keeps telling me he cant hear me. I try using gestures, still he doesn’t understand. Then with frustration written all over my face, I shout “CD!!” and immediately take out my phone to fake a phone call as the shopkeeper hands me my packet. Phew!
I rush back to the house and almost immediately Tasha arrives (yes that’s her name, the step-girlfriend). She never knocks she just opens the door and lets herself in so even the mi-casa su casa phrase that I’d practiced and planned to tell her isn’t said.
Time passes and minutes later she gets up, walks to the window and closes the curtains. Yeah, its about to go down! I hope you know what that means, (unless you’re a virgin of which I’ll be forced to start wondering what you’re doing here coz all the virgins I know are probably on facebook right now trying to find someone and get laid). Anyway back to Tasha, she always does that whenever she wants the thing and as usual I never disappoint, I don’t stop till all the neighbors know my names, both names!
And sure enough it goes down real hard. Then in the dire moment of passion, that moment of “Oh baby, harder, oh Christ, yes, harder!”, Tasha suddenly lets out a loud moan, hits a high note that sounds eerily like Celine Dion, and that’s when I realize its coming! (or should I say cumming?) and I immediately swing into that dilemma-mode; should I pull out and spew things all over her body like Onan from the bible or not? But then I remember that God killed Onan for pulling out; yes God killed him! (I wrote about that in my previous post) so I decide to let all systems go…Incoming!!
I release every single droplet right inside her beaver box and the next thing I know is we’re both lying there naked, drained, worked out and exhausted…too exhausted to even complete writing this episode, so I think I’ll just leave it at this point and finish writing it later on, maybe after I’ve successfully gone and convinced the chemist to give me the Postinor2 after-pill on credit; don’t forget I’m still in that penniless situation.
Till then, let me enjoy reminiscing on the awesome moment I’ve just had…oh and just some quick nonsense before I leave, approximately 376,584 people are currently having sex right now, 25,010 are kissing, 14,002 are hugging, 7,000 are sexting. And you…well you’re just alone reading this. Which makes me feel sorry for you.