Thou Shall Not Pullout!

 Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfil your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother……….. 

Okay, I know I might not be so religious and to be honest, I can’t even remember the last time I entered a church compound, but recently during those idle moments when I’ve completed all the levels in Subway Surfers and I have nothing to do, I stumbled upon a very interesting revelation. A revelation that’s been so hidden from mankind that I feel my name should be next in line on that Guinness Book of Beers for my discovery; the worlds’ first non-believer to ever read the book of Genesis, Genesis 38:8-10 to be specific. Apparently there’s an unwritten commandment number 11 there that is punishable by death, instant death.

And it says something like this “ Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.”  But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.” Yes! That’s how it’s written and if you’re beginning to doubt my sanity, fine, open that Bible app that you have downloaded on your smartphone (yeah gone are the days when people carried the real physical Bible in their armpits as a symbol of ‘kuokoka’, like those Jehova Witness guys). And read with me, word by word. And before you skip to the next verse 11, read the semen part again, and this time read it loud enough for those sitting close to you to hear the message. After all won’t you just be spreading the ‘good news’ to the flock huh?

I also don’t know what Onan did to qualify to be his dead brother’s successor to that private part that has nowadays been given a cat’s name, but the guy really let himself down, or if I can put it in the language that best describes his actions, alijiangusha! The pullout method, really!? That’s a method for gays, but wait…even gay people don’t do that, never! What on earth can drive a guy to be so selfish, selfish enough to just decide to pullout and spill that precious substance on the ground, substance that takes years and years of constant fermenting and brewing in the Balls n Balls Industries Ltd? A substance that has made women from the greater Nyeri county to begin chopping off the genitals of any man that dares to deny them their matrimonial rights and gikmakamago. And how many men out there do you know that are willing to give everything just for that one special moment? Yeah, even me I don’t know them. Maybe Onan just didn’t want to be faced with another ‘Nerea Situation‘…maybe.

If only the sweet Lord could resurrect that poor widow and assign somebody else to perform that duty that Onan selfishly failed to do, somebody like let’s say the author of this post……..

Anyway before the believers start coming after my sorry ass, calling me all sorts of names as if I am the 666 reincarnated and asking me to repent for making fun of the scriptures, let me leave it at that. Be the judge…oh and by the way did you know you can’t write the words “I am a born again follower of Jesus Christ” on Instagram? Now you know.

Capture

5 thoughts on “Thou Shall Not Pullout!

  1. Pingback: THOU SHALL NOT PULLOUT! | mariana

  2. Pingback: About Sex And Being Broke. | Marvin's Room

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